Simon Says: ‘I’ve been lobotomized by the shopping channel when all I wanted was a juicer’

Last week as I lay comatose on my couch, I switched on the television — something I never do. I was soon sucked into the world of Montel Williams preparing juices for a group of children who refuse to eat their vegetables.

Montel pulverizes a few carrots, some spinach and a hand full of blueberries and the kids drink down the juice.


The moms smile knowing their kids will grow up healthy and strong while gazing adoringly at Montel. Well he is rather dishy isn’t he?

The magical Montel Williams
The magical Montel Williams

I thought that this was great television, unaware that somewhere a marketing genius was rubbing her hands in delight as I fall deeper under Montel’s spell, oblivious to fact that I was in the world of television shopping.

Follow the jump to read more.

I thought, “This guy really cares about my health AND there are only 3 pieces of machinery to clean AND there are no more hours every morning cleaning the 27 pieces of my current juicer. There’s also zero waste AND all the vitamins, fiber and anti-oxidants you could need…and then some.”

The magical blender in question
The magical blender in question

OMG! Flick a switch and it cooks the juice to soup. How handy with winter fast approaching?! Another switch turns it to ice cream. This is incredible. Montel has my full attention, well he would, he is talking directly to me after all.

And then comes the sucker punch: It gives the promise to “Lose weight now!” With a few before and after shots of users, I found myself online, Amex in hand; plugging in all the info to make my first ever television shopping purchase.

I hit submit.

A pop up asks if I want to upgrade. Of course I do! I need that book on smoothies. Hit submit. Pop up! Upgrade? Absolutely! Make a soup in two minutes? Yes! Yes! Yes! Pop up. Upgrade? No! No! No! Just give me that juicer. Pop up. Premium shipping? YES! Get it here now! Submit, confirmation, relief, fall exhausted to bed.

Three days later, the box was on the porch. When I get home from work. I tear it open. It is just 3 parts as promised. It is manufactured well. They were telling the truth. It was wonderful!

Then I noticed a huge warning sign. DO NOT ASSEMBLE OR OPERATE UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL. FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAN RESULT IN DEATH, FIRE, OR ELECTRIC SHOCK. What? Are you for real? Read the manual? No way! I’m a fashion person. I don’t read manuals. Nobody tells me what to do.

So it appears the new juicer that was going to change my life forever is actually a lethal weapon that could kill me, burn down the house or at the least scar me for life.

Written by: Simon Ungless

Click here to read more of “Simon Says”